Dear United Airlines

The below letter was sent in a handwritten note to the office of Jeff Smisek, the silver fox CEO of United Airlines. Yes, seriously.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, Jeff. I am sure your inbox is inundated daily with correspondence from jilted passengers and freshly battered baggage owners, so I appreciate that an actual person is reading these words. I hope that you, in turn, appreciate that this letter is written in pen and therefore much more personal and earnest. My hand is already cramping. I so rarely receive handwritten letters these days, unless you count the ones from my neighbors, but they seem more concerned with harping on about whether or not it’s appropriate to still have my Christmas lights up in August. I guess one man’s “lazy” is another man’s “holiday spirit,” am I right?

But let’s not get off course, Jeffrey. I am a bit under the weather, what with the ordeal I just experienced traveling via your airline from California back home to Houston. It’s hard to thread a cohesive narrative on ninety minutes of sleep in the last two days. I tried taking a cat nap under my desk but my boss came by and told me to “Cut the crap already.” I have since moved the fake plastic fern plant that one of the janitors continues to water to a position that blocks the view of my feet when I’m sleeping. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say.
Speaking of inventions, isn’t the airplane a doozy? How amazing that we have unlocked the ability to fly through the sky! Granted, that power wasn’t exactly on display at the Santa Barbara airport yesterday afternoon when they told me that our plane was delayed an hour due to “mechanical issues.” Nor was it that impressive when one hour turned into four, and then to a flight cancellation, all while we the stranded watched countless planes take off for larger hubs, any of which would have been a better option than the bus you ordered to just drive us the three hours to LAX. The bus ride was a bit of a curve ball but without it, I wouldn’t have gotten to sit next to a woman who smelled like she applied my grandmother’s perfume with a Supersoaker.

Once we rolled into LAX having missed all of our connecting flights, the ensuing scramble to find a way home was quite a sight to behold. Though a 1:30 AM departure time wasn’t exactly my “ideal scenario,” it did give me ample opportunity to purchase one of those neck pillow things so I could grab a few winks on my red eye.
Side note: Unfortunately, a girl my age was sitting behind me and I felt too self conscious to use the pillow. I ended up pretending it belonged to the old man next to me and left it on the plane.

Boarding the plane was another exercise in frustration. Despite being boned over with flight cancellations and bus rides, you chose to put me in Boarding Group 5, a grouping normally reserved for convicts handcuffed to Air Marshals. When the agent took my ticket, she explained that all of the overhead storage was full and that I would have to check my carry on bags. Though I had spent the better part of a morning perfecting my packing to avoid this very issue, who was I to argue with a professional? So what if the Korean family in front of me had just boarded with enough carry on luggage to equip a football team? Time is wasting and “please move along, sir.”
The flight itself was fairly uneventful, unless you count the Direct TV for which I paid $7.99 working about as well as a flashlight in a horror movie. We landed at 6:30 AM, exactly 16 and a half hours after I first arrived to the Santa Barbara airport. For reference, J Dog, here is a list of things that would have gotten me to Houston faster:
1. a blimp
2. plate tectonics
3. one of those old timey bicycles with the giant front wheel
4. on the back of a trained dolphin
5. whatever these things were called when we were kids

In summation, King Joffery, I would give my transcontinental trip with your airline an F-. This is doubly disappointing as I was one of the only Houstonians who initially defended your merger with Continental and the ensuing transfer of the airline’s headquarters (along with over 1300 jobs) from Houston to Chicago. It’s not difficult to understand why the industry is failing: planes that don’t work, employees who aren’t informed, and prices that make one yearn for the days of the wagon trail. $875 to Los Angeles? Give me a river fording and the threat of an Indian attack any day.

One more thought: you seem like a nice, personable guy on the pre-takeoff United promo ad that comes on before the security briefing that everyone ignores. I have an idea for you. I always thought it would be cool to be named Jeff and be the CEO of some company. I would make my subordinates refer to me as “El Jeffe.” I think it would promote worker morale and teamwork, areas sadly lacking in the moribund airline industry.
So how’s about a free flight or two for my troubles/ advice? I don’t need first class or anything, just a simple acknowledgement of the beat down I just received. I promise not to carry on.

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